I Miss You.

I miss alot of things actually. As I was stuffing envelopes today I had plenty of time to think about things... 6 hours worth of thinking, gluing, stuffing, and sticking. That's what my day consisted of stuffing envelopes relentlously... ugh. But as I was stuffing envelopes my mind started racing. Making me realize things that I have missed which I have decided to list:

1.) I miss singing. Yeah I sing in the car, occassionally in the shower, and even sometimes for people. But since I have been back from Greece, and even in Greece I haven't really sang. Ok I sang before Christmas, but really I miss singing. Hearing voices sing with you, or even over you. I love to harmonize, and sadly I don't know when the next chance I will have to sing. I miss it.

2.) I miss actually playing music. For sometime I have been in a writers block, or I have just not had the desire to play my guitar or even write a song. I miss it. I wish I had inspiration right now, like I did back in highschool, or even the little i did while in college. People have told me well why don't you write a song about matt. I'm sorry I just can't be force to write a song, when it happens it happens. But I miss it, and if I played more I might actually be decent. I guess I just hate the fact that I just play chords. I have a hard time plucking or even experiementing. Yes I have an ear for music but that is about it. I wish it just came naturally... all in all i miss it.

3.) I miss painting, coming up with a picture in my mind and expressing it on the canvas. ANOTHER THING i lack in talent in a way. Unfortunately with painting you have to be somewhat decent at drawing. Unfortunately I am not. I wish I was. but I am not. I miss getting lost in the music and just painting what comes to mind, kinda like a song. Hopefully soon I will have something come to mind and paint it. I hope i hope i hope

4.) I miss friendships... with getting engaged it has caused me to change a little of who I am. Not in a bad way, but in a way to truly learn what it means to cleave. I have recently read that the word cleave means to be welded to, glued to, or just morphed to something. In a way I have to do that, but with that means to let go of a level on my friendships. For so long my friendships are what have kept me held together by the seams. They have been what has encouraged me, what has helped me through this rough life, and something I cherish. I hate letting go of friendships, and I don't but i have to put this marriage first. WHICH IS GOOD. But as this is becoming clearer, its hard. I miss precious people in my life. I miss being able to talk to them, express who i am, and hear their thoughts. I miss seeing a different perspective in life, and i just miss them in general. Some of my best friends in the whole wide world. As I was listening to my ipod songs came up and made me look back into the memories of some of you who are dearest to me. I will always think about you when I listen to certain things like The Classic Crime, Nickelcreek, Paper Route, Regina Spector, Noah and the Whale, Owl City, The Format, Journey, The Ready Set, Iron & Wine, Paramore, Mute Math, Laura Marling, John Mark McMillan, Mumford & Sons, Annuals, Acceptance, The Beatles, and so many more artist and songs that will trigger memories I spent with you. All in all I miss you thus why I am writing a miss you blog. But I know God has some awesome plans for our lives hopefully we can all share with each other at some point in time. Until then I guess missing you will have to suffice.

5.) I miss Greece. Alot at times. As I have been back for over a month I have realized what I had while I was there. I miss the people I worked with and worked for. I miss the ministry, seeing the bright little faces of the children, learning about a new culture. And just getting away from the main materialistic living we as Americans have it. I mean don't get me wrong I like comfort. But it was good to have been stretched to new heights and new limits. I have changed because of you Greece. Thank you for the experience you gave me.

6.) I miss matt, but that is a given lol only a couple of months and I will get to see him. It is crazy how things seem to feel so slow, but yet so fast at the same time. But I miss being in his pressence, being able to share moments with him, being about to learn new things, being able to understand a new structure of thinking. I miss him. But again that's a given. If I didn't something would be wrong.

7.) I miss being young, getting out of highschool, not knowing what I was going to do. Don't get me wrong I have loved what I have done thus far, and what I will be doing. BUT growing up is weird for me. And scares me in a way. What if I don't end up the way I was THOUGHT I was going to. But I miss the since of not really having to worry, and just getting on the brinks of life. YES i loved college at times, and no I would not like to go back to test. But it is just weird to look back and think wow this is where I am at now. Stuffing envelopes. (I just pray that is not what I have to do for the rest of my life, WHY? because life would be boring. I swear there is nothing you can do to make envelope stuffing entertaining or fun. AT ALL )

8.) I miss the sense of adventure. I miss the desire of going out and finding something new. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME? why am i so boring these days. SERIOUSLY. I want to go out find something new. But it is like Lazyness has taken over my body. THIS HAS to change ASAP or I might scream. I can't just go out and drive, I have to plan a wedding. UGH lol AND i have to work out. Maybe I will go for a run somewhere, or walk I just wish someone would come with me. OH WELL. but yes adventure you are missed .


ALL in all I truly miss lots of things.. I hope this missing won't stay. I hope i will see these things, see my friends, and embark on an adventure. I guess for now I will just have to deal with the missing and hope it soon goes away. SORRY FOR THE RANT. I am just venting my thoughts. If you don't like it then don't read. It's that simple :)

Have a blessed weekend

A Few Things On My Mind...

Since the beginning of the year I have been working out pretty much everyday. Which is a RARE occasion, mainly because I hate to sweat. But as I have done it the past few weeks I have realized I actually enjoy working out! :O shocked? I know. But I came to the realization that it helps me stay driven, and discipline. And then after thinking about it I went into a deeper state of mind of thinking, and determined that if I can be disciplined in that area of my life, why can't I be disciplined in others. It has motivated me to be disciplined in many areas of my life which makes me super happy.

I also thought about how weird it is growing up. Everyone says milk college for all its worth, because once you are out you are a grown up. Though it was scary at first I realized that unlike being scary, its more of a weird concept for me. I mean I never would have thought that I would be getting married now, done a mission trip, graduated college, and trying to find a job while budgeting. Its weird, and I don't know how I like it. Next thing I know I will be stuck in a job, having kids, and then getting OLD. Gross that is freaky for me. But yet its kinda exciting I guess. I mean as long as I have a job i LOVE, and my kids are awesome and cute, and as long as I don't get old in spirit and still want to go adventures then i will be fine. But I SWEAR if my life gets boring someone is going to pay. lol

And finally I hate, I mean I HATE people that call your cell phones and SCAM YOU. I hope you get seriously injured. ok ok maybe not that bad, but I still don't like you. So here is what happened. I recently got a present for Matt(I can't tell you what it is because he might read this), and for some reason this products service online gave all my information to one of their clients. After being called the past 3 or four days by a number i didn't know from florida and called at extremely lame times during the day I finally decided to call them back. THAT was dumb. Anyways me being nieve they told me my purchase, my name, the last 4 digits of my debit card, and they said they were calling to confirm my information and purchase. So they put me on hold until another person came on and persisted in asking me to repeat my card number to make sure that it was correct, give my birthdate, and say ok even though the other things they were going to send me i said i didn't want they made me feel pressured and i said ok. Not having a good feeling about it I told my dad, and my mom and then looked up the number. Found out that it was a scam, and i didn't know what to do. So inevitably I had to cancel my card, and now will have to file a report. AND if i get something in the mail I have to call and cancel whatever crap they sent me. UGHHH i hate you scammers yes I hate you! I know hate is a very VERY strong word but that is how i feel. ughhh super gay.

On a brighter note I am going to be stuffing envelopes for a realtor that DOES NOT work with my dad. MWUAHAHAH i shall be a spy, not really lol but at least it is a job, and she said i can work as much or as little as I want which is pretty cool. I guess my internship skills will come in handy. I will also be working with my dad as a possible receptionist for his office so that is also cool. I guess saving money is pretty neat. I know that this is the most i've had in my account in a LONG time. Lets hope it stays that way lol.

Well that is all that has been on my mind, sorry for the mindless rants haha
Hope you have a blessed day :)

I think i might paint soon hmmmm if only i was good at drawing :P

*Sigh*

It has almost been a month since I have been back from Greece and what have I done:

-Read 2 books
-Got engaged
-Bought my dress
-Planned a wedding
-Worked out and lost MAYBE 2 lbs this week :/
-Traveled to Alabama and back to spend the holidays with family
-Worked one day as a receptionist
-And sit and sleep

Something is missing in this mix.... hmmm what could it be?.... maybe the time to process all that I went through during my time in Greece.... Maybe spend more time talking to God and reading the bible(I've done it some).... Maybe paint to take my mind off things. Right after I got back I had to go go go, and now its hard for me to take a breather and think about all I left behind.

Don't get me wrong I love planning a wedding now, and I like working out, and feeling healthy, and spending time with family and loved ones, but its hard. And no one will understand. People might say I use it as an excuse but it is hard to forget about 3 months out of your life that you took care of people. Broke down, got dirty, and worked hard for a purpose. What is my purpose now? I can only say I am sorry i am just trying to process things so much. People think that I should be ok by now, that I have had enough time to process. NO I HAVEN'T I don't even know where to begin. Or what to say. When people ask me how was my trip... its hard because I don't know if they want to know about the down and dirty details or just want a bogus answer. I guess I feel like I am getting pulled in all different directions and i don't know what to do. I guess i just go on with the routine of things. Working out, watching what I eat, talking to a few people, quiet time, working on some wedding stuff, and sleep. No drive to do anything. OH and I am sick great awesome! I miss Greece. Today would of been a day that I could have helped Carolyn out in the childrens room. I would of gotten to color with one of the kids, loved on them and tell them how proud i was and Jesus was of them. Or I could of served tea with a smile on my face, or taught an English class. This is the first time I have actually sat down and thought about all this. Sorry for the random spill but this is my thoughts for the day. Hope you have a blessed one